Diary of a Cage Fighter (Journalist) In Training

(Note: The following post contains extreme amounts of sarcasm and may not be appropriate for ignorant readers. Viewer discretion is advised.)

I would just like to take this opportunity to honor one of this nation’s truly amazing artists: Eminem. Rising up from humble beginnings in Detroit, he has become a true poet through the medium of his rap music. He had early success with hits like “My Name Is” and “The Real Slim Shady” but his masterpiece is the recently released “Ass Like That”. The lyrics of this passionate and emotive song discuss the derrieres of numerous Hollywood celebrities, including Jessica Simpson, the Olsen twins, and Hillary Duff. Just witness the brilliance of the poetic lines, “I can’t believe it, I ain’t never seen an ass like that. The way you move it, you make my peepee go DOING DOING DOING”. Unfortunately, some of his performances have been censored, replacing his tasteful choice “peepee” with the less than perfect “slinky”. While slinky is an acceptable word, it is an outrage that his carefully crafted epic had to be desecrated because of the provincial views of those who think Eminem is controversial. I initially thought I was reading a Shakespearean sonnet when I saw the lines, “I just like to pee, pee, pee, Yes, I make R&B. I sing song, it Ring-a-Chong-a-Ching-Chong-Chong-Ching”. Simply breathtaking. Who would think to rhyme sing with both ring and ching, and then, while you’re still basking in the glory of that, he comes back with song and chong before you know what’s going on. This is a stunning and ingenius technique. The rhyme scheme of “Ass Like That” is unique, and the song transports listeners into an alternate universe through its onomatopoeia and limited but poignant use of alliteration. With memorable lyrics like these, Eminem will inevitably take his place among the tradition of great song writers like Paul McCartney. I’m sorry, I take that back. That lousy Beetle is not fit to be the voice of one of the puppets in Eminem’s new video. So today, I humbly salute the talented Eminem: modern Renaissance man. May he continue to grace us with his genius.

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