Diary of a Cage Fighter (Journalist) In Training

What the heck is happening around here? Just a few short weeks ago, I was enjoying an overwhelming influx of love and support, and today I have been reduced to a hobo. I humbly stand before you, bindle in hand, panhandling for the comments that were once so copious. With that out of the way, this post is for anyone who has been wondering what’s been going on in my world lately, or for people who are just really bored. If you haven’t been reading John’s blog lately, then you may be unaware of my new roommate, Baxter. Here’s a picture of us during happier times. I should first explain that “Baxter”, as he’s now known, has a history with me. We were on a season of MTV’s the Real World together, and there was a conflict between us. Things started off innocently enough. We got along pretty well, and he even slept in my bed on his first night in the house. After that, our relationship took a turn for the worse, however. I caught him eating peanut butter out of the jar using his dirty paws, and he was getting drunk like every night. One night, while we were all drinking, he tried to give me a wedgie. I don’t where he got off putting his hands on my undawears, but I don’t play like that, son. Guess what, he may be a meathead, but that don’t impress me much. Anyway, the situation continued to escalate, and our tension exploded into an incident one night. Allow me to explain the story through these pictures that the camera crew snapped. It all started when I glanced towards the mirror that evening after washing my hands. I thought to myself, “Hey there, I’m looking good today! Who is that handsome man?”, etc. Armed with this stylish coiffure and a new sense of confidence, I had an epiphany. With my new hair, and the admittedly cute Baxter, I had the potential to create the cutest picture ever taken. Granted, I may not have been adding much in the looks department, but it would be just enough to produce a picture that was so cute people would be rioting in the streets. Unfortunately, Baxter didn’t exactly share my artistic vision from the beginning. He was still hung over, and seemed more interested in getting a pay check out of the experience, and then sleeping the day away as usual. I wanted to ensure maximum cuteness, so first, I practiced posing by myself, allowing the recovering drunk to nap. Then, I brought in the talent. After a couple of preliminary shots, I managed to get him to work with me, and we got this photo. Now, I will admit, it was a decently cute picture. Maybe it would incite a couple of small riots and certainly sell some posters, but it was not exactly what I was looking for. Baxter was simply not cooperating anymore and becoming impatient. Eventually, I talked him into at least one more picture, but I quickly discovered that he was not interested in more pictures: he was seeking revenge. Here I am preparing to take the picture. I was positioning the two of us for our potentially groundbreaking photograph, when I realized that something was wrong. As you can see in this picture, Baxter is clearly thinking about something, plotting his betrayal. He could have just clawed me in the eye right there, but he had a more sinister plan. I turned around to look at the camera, and he was standing there with a knife. I was taken aback, and I pleaded with him to spare my life. It was at that moment that he raised the knife in one paw….and shot me in the eye with a pistol. “Ouch!” I cried out, “You shot me, you feline traitor!” He scampered off, leaving me injured. Seeing my own blood, I fainted, and collapsed on the floor. The producers rushed me to the hospital and explained what happened. Apparently, I had imagined the whole thing because I had mistakenly ingested some hallucinogenic mushrooms. Either that, or I did get shot by a cat. No matter what happened, though, the producers refused to get rid of Baxter, who was the most popular cast member. So there you have it. He and I have seemingly made peace since then, but let me just tell you that I have been sleeping with one eye open….because it takes time for my cornea (cataract to some) to heal.

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