Diary of a Cage Fighter (Journalist) In Training

I know that some people don’t want to think about it, but Christmas is just over a month away. There are a few Thanksgiving purists around who think it is ridiculous to begin talking about Christmas…but John started it, and my parents have been asking about ideas also. Now, John had the audacity to just list items that he wants without offering any justification. Where’s the accountability? Over the past year, I have been naughty and nice, but the naughty should be said in a suggestive tone of voice. In order to prove that I deserve some presents, I will list off some of the things I have done since last Christmas.

-January 1, 2005: Made New Year’s resolution to stop making sexual innuendos and to be more mature
-January 2, 2005: Added the words “in bed” to New Year’s resolution
-February 7, 2005: My “Beads for Chastity and Decency” campaign has mixed results. The women of New Orleans don’t seem to understand my message, but for some reason I didn’t mind failing.
-March 9, 2005: Visited orphanages with Christina Brown to convince the children that sometimes it’s better to not have parents. Christina begs me to keep her away from Bobby and Whitney but I have to take her home.
-April 11, 2005: Made a $100 bet with Kevin Federline that he could not find five people who think that Britney is lucky to have him because of his musical talent.
-April 12, 2005: Donated $100 to charity.
-May 22, 2005: Forced to decide between working to find a solution to the world’s oil problems and starting a blog.
-May 23, 2005: My first post. Received mysterious check from Halliburton.
-June 7, 2005: Began wearing hilarious t-shirts to the delight of men and women alike. Oddly enough, people say that my shirts are equally enjoyable when on their bedroom floor.
-July 12, 2005: I convince someone not to rent Gigli at the local Blockbuster, telling him that it will just be pure torture.
-July 15, 2005: Received a thank you card from Ben Affleck for helping him through some “rough times”.
-August 23, 2005: Volunteered to teach an adult class on performing CPR, even though I have no official training. Class was soon canceled due to interest of men.
-September 16, 2005: Released yet another shirtless picture in an attempt to make sure this whole internet thing survives the winter.
-October 14, 2005: Researched a way to end internet pornography.
-October 15, 2005: Gave up after Googling the name of my organization, “Whipping Pornography” produced over 400,000 results.
-November 10, 2005: Launched a program called, “Santa’s Cooking Chili on Street Corners” to promote “Flayminanus Chili”. Almost all of the free samples were contaminated with money from strangers. Some kid may have died from nickel poisoning.

So there you have it. Those are just a handful of examples of my behavior this year. I suppose that ultimately you have to decide whether I have been naughty and nice, and then whether that deserves presents or not. I feel old this year because I don’t really want any video games or toys for Christmas. I am in need of some clothes and new shoes, which makes me realize that I’m not a kid anymore. I used to hate getting clothes for Christmas, now I’m asking for them. This is still only a sorta grown-up Christmas list because I’m still wishing for material things and not world peace or for Sylvester Stallone to just fade out of the spotlight. Anyways, here are some of the things my family could purchase for me if they want to reward this most humble blog author for his year.

-More funny t-shirts, namely from Busted Tees because I have some in mind. However, if you find some at another place that you think I would like, those could also work.
-New shoes, possibly at KSwiss.com, where I can customize them. I’m still deciding if putting “Pimp” on the side is vain. Maybe just “Sexpot”. Life’s full of tough choices.
-New jeans. Mom, maybe you should do some research to see what the kids are wearing, ask around at the stores because I don’t really want to be stuck wearing Oshkosh B’Gosh overalls again….Unless they’re coming back in style.
-Some short sleeve dress/polo shirts.
-Any other clothes that you think I would look good in…believe it or not, I can and have looked bad when not dressed properly. I have an old picture where I’m wearing a gray Ernie sweatshirt with black shoes…what the hell was I thinking?
-And, as always….a pony.

That’s about all I have on my list. Hopefully this clears up any confusion over what I did this year and what I want for Christmas….Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving.

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