Diary of a Cage Fighter (Journalist) In Training

It’s time for another edition of “Ask Jaymz”…You didn’t think I would ever do another one of these, did you? Well, I did, so you were wrong. Anyways, today’s question reads as follows:

“Dear Jaymz,

I just finished my first quarter of college life. It was a little overwhelming walking around campus and encountering so many hot babes. You seem like you have a way with the ladies, can you offer any advice on dating?

Your loyal and very real fan,
Steve Wazoucheztetsky
Authenti City, GA”

Now, I want to begin by saying that this is an actual question and it deserves a serious answer. I don’t know why Steve chose to ask me, someone who hasn’t really been in a serious relationship, for advice about the ladies, but he did. I am insulted that anyone would suggest that this question is fake…but, if it were made up, that should stress a need for more people to submit questions in the future. Anyways, it’s time to try and help our friend Steve. As I said earlier, I don’t really know if I’m the person you should be referring to as your “love guru” and “idol” because I’m honestly not much of a ladies man. Having said that, I believe there are a few basic guidelines that every guy should follow in order to have success on the gridiron of love.
Rule #1: Never call the dating scene the “gridiron of love”. It’s not the most flattering comparison and no girl to date has appreciated being referred to as the “cheerleader in the end zone of your heart”, believe me.
Rule #2: When you’re picking a girl up, don’t just sit in your car and blast your horn. Instead, beep politely three times. If she doesn’t come out after that, then lay on the horn. If she then comes out and says that she was still getting ready, ask, “What, does it really take you that long to look like that?” This establishes dominance and shows that you’re not afraid to be honest. It is often confused for “being a jerk”, but there are subtle differences I cannot explain here.
Rule #3: If you ever have to meet her parents, always address them by their first names. If she has several siblings, elbow her father while winking and say, “Guess we both like a special kind of women eh?…the ones who put out! Am I right?” At this point, extend your arm for a high five. This assists in building a rapport and showing that you have a sense of humor.
Rule #4: At dinner, order something small, perhaps just a double cheeseburger or a McChicken sandwich, and only water to drink. Also, be sure that you only pay for what you ordered. There is no stronger aphrodisiac than frugality…it drives women wild. If she questions why you aren’t paying the bill, simply exclaim, “You all wanted equality, well here it is!”
Rule #5: Conclude your romantic evening by moving in for a sloppy, wet kiss, regardless of her reaction. If she refuses, she’s probably stuck up.

There you go, Steve. I hope you can use this free information from your so-called “Doctor of Love”. Follow these simple rules, and you’ll be en-route to Romancetown in no time…or single and alone, forever trapped in a horrible cycle of dates that result in a myriad of trips to the hospital because you are perpetually sprayed in the eyes with mace. Look on the bright side though: perhaps you will develop immunity. If you do not have success with the ladies, well, I suppose that means that they will still be available for me…what a fortuitous yet unfortunate irony…Oh, and Steve, don’t listen to anyone who tries to tell you that I’m actually “sabotaging” you and the other guys just so I can continue my escapades with attractive women…that’s ridiculous.

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