Diary of a Cage Fighter (Journalist) In Training » Classic Away Messages

Swashbuckling Savings & Loan

Jaymz — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 06:46:32 +0000

Arrrr you tired of traveling to remote islands just to find the money to pay monthly bills? Creditors hassling you about accepting gold doubloons and bullion? Has collecting Aztec gold lost its luster because you keep forgetting where you buried it? Then maybe it’s time to consider entrusting your money to the folks at First National Davy Jones’ Locker, a Plundercorp bank. Ahoy, they call me Captain Five o’ Clock Shadow. First National Davy Jones’ Locker is a reputable institution that hasn’t been sacked, pillaged, or plundered in over thirty years of service. Instead of relying on treasure maps, shovels, or mythological creatures like the Kraken, we store your money in a secure vault surrounded by assassins. After all, you killed to obtain your treasure, so weâ€™ll kill to protect it. We’re willing to work with you to find your best available option, and can offer you a loan at a low APRRRRR…yarrr. So force your old banking solutions to walk the plank, and start reaping the benefits of First National Davy Jones’ Locker today, where X marks the spot…for your future.

Circle Jerk

Jaymz — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 07:27:42 +0000

Some say it came from Greece. Others say Crete. Wherever it originated, it became a homicidal maniac. I always knew it was irrational, but I still can’t believe Pi killed all those people. The horrors I witnessed that day are permanently etched into my memory. As I crossed the boundary of police tape that encircled the circumference of the crime scene, a degree of remorse overwhelmed me. I could have prevented this. If only I hadn’t referred to Pi as “essentially 3.14 or 22/7.” Pi detested those labels more than anything. It went completely insane. As its mental health deteriorated, it even started talking to imaginary numbers, claiming it could recite over 100,000 digits of itself from memory…Pi carved out a final solution for x and itself by eliminating all the variables he once loved. There was just one area Pi and the Radius twins could never fully calculate: their own demented minds.

Fairytale Ending

Jaymz — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 03:27:28 +0000

I’m sure everyone is familiar with the story of Goldilocks and the three bears. There’s one little detail that Hollywood and the left wing fairytale publishing media conveniently left out…an important character who has long been ignored: me. That’s right, I lived with the three bears for awhile. Quite frankly, I am the reason the third bed was “just right”. I needed a place to crash for a couple of months, and the bears were cool enough to provide room and board in exchange for protection from hunters, porridge preparation and some light housework. Anyway, this chick Goldilocks was clinically crazy. She wasn’t afraid to break furniture, sleep in a stranger’s bed and steal from bears. I managed to convince her to relax with me on the bed and thanks to a couple of roofie-laced lemonades, I delivered a sleeping intruder to my hosts. Apparently that wasn’t enough to satisfy the disgruntled bears because I was promptly asked to move out. After that, I was going steady with this girl Rapunzel for awhile until I found out she let some other dude climb her hair….What a tramp.

Cheesecake Factory

Jaymz — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 06:56:35 +0000

The lights are now on nightly at the ol’ Cheesecake Factory in Kettering. If you look closely among the construction, you can see the blue-collar laborers going in to work the third shift on the line. Behind the faces stained with grease, cream cheese, sweat and crumbled graham cracker sawdust, you can see the grit and determination that it takes to assemble quality American-made products. It’s a dangerous job and it requires courage to put on your hard hat every morning and kiss your family goodbye. Every year, thousands of noble souls perish as a result of vanilla bean related accidents. So the next time you hear the faint whistle that beckons these warriors to their work, pay tribute to their craftsmanship by asking your waitress about the dessert selection.

Life at the button factory

Jaymz — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 15:26:26 +0000

Hi, my name is Jim. I got a wife, and three kids. I work, in, a button factory. One day, the boss came up to me and said, “Jim, are you busy?” I said, “No.” He said, “Push this button with your right hand”.

Hi, my name is Jim. I got a wife, and three kids. I work, in, a button factory.One day, the boss came up to me and said, “Jim, are you busy?” I said, “Well, actually, I’m kinda swamped….” He said, “Push this button with your left hand”.

Hi, my name is Jim. I got a wife, and three kids. I work, in, a button factory.One day, the boss came up to me and said, “Jim, are you busy?” I said, “Yeah, I kinda am since you ask.” He said, “Push this button..” and then I just went off. I was like, “Listen, you come down here everyday, bustin my ass about which buttons I have to push and how to push them. The fact is, you’ve lost touch with what it’s like out here on the button factory floor, and while you sit in your ivory tower, making out with Sarah from marketing, I’m actually working, trying to push buttons for the good people of this town!!” That day, he pushed my buttons, and I pushed my final button at the factory…on my way out the door.

God’s Novelty Pens

Jaymz — Sat, 08 Apr 2006 19:18:17 +0000

Alright, just a little note of clarification here for everyone. I would never claim to be God’s gift to women. That would make me sound arrogant and egocentric. I consider myself to be more like those fancy pens that people give as graduation presents. You know, smart, sleek, sexy, chic, classically trained in the art of playing Tecmo Super Bowl…I mean, no one really uses those things usually. They seem like good presents at the time, but all they really do is sit in a drawer and look good. Some day, that one special woman will see that I’m much more than a pen, however. I have a tiny camera, a microphone, I can function as a USB flash drive, I love to listen and I can make you laugh. Hopefully, she will discover that I’m not really a pen at all…I’m the expensive novelty man of her dreams. So there you have it: I am God’s overpriced novelty multifunctional Ericsson brand pen to women.

Sexiest Man Or Coward?

Jaymz — Tue, 25 Oct 2005 08:09:37 +0000

It’s time for the first online edition of the Jaymz Times.

LOCAL STUDENT STAKES CLAIM TO SEXIEST MAN ALIVE TITLE

-BEAVERCREEK, OH -Wright State University sophomore James Tobe is protesting the results of People Magazine’s supposed “Sexiest Man Alive” competition, saying that he hasn’t been given a fair chance. He said quote, “All of the men on the list are celebrities and have received preferential treatment. They have the unfair advantages of hair and make-up teams, stylists and an entourage. I only ask for a level playing field and an opporutnity to compete. Then we’ll see who can out-sexy who.” According to James, several area women have told him in confidence that he is in fact one of the sexiest men alive, or at least in the top five. James told the Times that he even has a loyal fan club with a stunningly beautiful president and at least one member. James said that “what he lacks in raw physical sexiness he makes up for in grit, moxy, determination, heart, clichÃ©s, and a willingness to ambush and sabotage the competitionâ€. Asked if he feared the competition, James said, “I am confident that if the London Gentleman’s rules of sexy etiquette are enforced, I have a decent shot at the title. Apparently the reigning champion is some guy named Jude Law…If my fan base gives me enough support, he’ll only be the second sexiest man alive…and after being reduced to that, he might as well be ugly.”