Cheesecake Factory

The lights are now on nightly at the ol’ Cheesecake Factory in Kettering. If you look closely among the construction, you can see the blue-collar laborers going in to work the third shift on the line. Behind the faces stained with grease, cream cheese, sweat and crumbled graham cracker sawdust, you can see the grit and determination that it takes to assemble quality American-made products. It’s a dangerous job and it requires courage to put on your hard hat every morning and kiss your family goodbye. Every year, thousands of noble souls perish as a result of vanilla bean related accidents. So the next time you hear the faint whistle that beckons these warriors to their work, pay tribute to their craftsmanship by asking your waitress about the dessert selection.

Back to Reality

What is the only guaranteed cure for the summertime blues? A new blogcastâ„¢. Just to inform all my loyal Jaymzketeers, I am considering posting some random away messages that I have written over the past couple of years. If this news excites you and/or your loved ones, let me know.

The Mother of All Blogcastsâ„¢

Forget flowers, Hallmark cards and posting her bail money. This year, the truly devoted son will dedicate a blogcastâ„¢ to his mother. It’s the one item I’m absolutely certain will be unique. Happy Mother’s Day, mom, from your (presumably) favorite son…who produces podcasts.

Outburst(s) of Creativity

I finally delivered on what I intended to be an empty promise. Please enjoy my fifth podcast. I think this one will generate some enthusiasm from the people.

History Is Hysterical

Despite the lack of comments lately, here is yet another podcast for your auditory pleasure.

New Year, Same Ol’ Procrastinator

Good evening, podcast audience. I apologize for the delay in completing my trilogy of podcasts. My favorite magazine was doing a piece on its “Blogger of the Year.” I’ll give you one guess at who they selected to grace the cover. That’s right, my laptop. Without it, my rejuvenation of the blogging community wouldn’t have been possible. One word of warning about this publication, though: it is quite graphic. It provides an unedited glimpse into the seedy underbelly of the blogging racket. Viewer discretion is advised. In anticipation of the buzz this will create, I recorded an audio version of the popular….semi-popular…tolerable “Ask Jaymz” segment as my Return of the Jedi of this trilogy. (Note: My next podcast will be a prequel to the first one and will not be released for about 16 years.)

Holiday Jeer

Is the story of Santa Claus really necessary? Isn’t the tooth fairy just a glorified fictional burglar? Home invasion concerns aside, I think children can have a healthy upbringing without believing in a corpulent fellow that delivers presents and is the subject of two horrible sequels starring Tim Allen. Find out why. (By the way, remember when I joked about adult themes? This probably isn’t suitable for kids…at least ones that still believe in cookie-eating, sleigh-driving chimney travelers.)

Pod-Casting a Line

What a long, strange journey it has been. This post is one that has been 22 years in the making. It is the product of my blood, sweat, tears…all my bodily fluids, really. I consider this podcast to be my beautiful, bouncing virtual baby. Without further ado, and let’s be honest who doesn’t hate ado, here it is: the introduction of my voice to the internet. Enjoy.

The Blog Stays In the Picture

Once again, I’ve been slacking in the blogging department for awhile. So, what was the impetus for my usually indolent ass? A sense of dedication to my fan? An especially brilliant idea? A letter from the pro blog scouts? Sure, I’m writing for any and all of these noble, relatively selfless reasons. On an unrelated note, I also have some items that somebody could purchase for me if said person felt so inclined. I have compiled a list for his/her convenience should this bizarre circumstance arrive. Ok, so I needed to make a Christmas list. In honor of Luda, I waited until after Thanksgiving to commence talk of presents…unlike a certain impatient corporate sellout. Also unlike this other party, I plan to continue my tradition of justifying why I deserve gifts in a later blog post. This will be the Second Annual Edition of my Shower Me with Gifts, Ingrates! Extravaganza (with an unexplained one-year absence, probably because it wasn’t appreciated). I’m choosing to postpone that and make it a sort of year-in-review post.

Before I get to the wish list, I have some other business to discuss. Next quarter, I plan on working at Wright State’s radio station in order to acquire some (mandatory) experience in the communications field. I would like to become comfortable behind the microphone before I take over the airwaves, so I want to resurrect the podcast on this site with John’s help. One potential idea I had was to perform a weekly impression based on suggestions from loyal listeners/readers. Well, I’ve given everyone a considerable amount of fodder for your respective Jaymz journals. Think it over, digest it, talk amongst yourselves. Specific point of emphasis: my network administrator is responsible for all my internet-related shortcomings. If you’re interested in the list, continue reading. Read more…

Back from the Brink

So…it’s been awhile. Quite a long time, actually. Over a year. Just how long has it been since my last blog entry? I’m glad you asked. To put how much time has elapsed in perspective, here are a few things that have happened since I filled my last prescription as Dr. Funny, M.D.:

-I believe almost everyone in my group of friends has moved at least once (and some are preparing to move again)

-I applied for and was rejected in my attempt to receive a doctorate from Humor University, home of the Fighting Punch Lines!

-I printed over 2000 business cards in anticipation of my new profession

-the world witnessed the phenomena of Tylergasm and Jimini and their resulting whirlwind press tours

-the world’s first Ball-O-Tron was created by geniuses, geniuses the likes of which you will never know

-redundancy was hailed as 2006’s hippest, coolest, most popular way to write awesomely and in style

-my countenance was featured on the only officially sanctioned shuffle quarters table

-kids across the country started constructing their own shuffle quarters tables out of spare wood and bootleg copies of “How to Draw Jaymz Naked” books sold on eBay (available from Bantam books for just $9.98, by the way)

-due to the popularity of shuffle quarters, dimes and nickels became obsolete as quarters enjoyed a brief but memorable renaissance as “drinking disks”

-Luda coined the phrase, “The quarter is in your quarter,” to a mixed response from the lexicon community

-G-I-M was ephemerally listed by Webster’s Dictionary as an alternate spelling for “Jim” before a revision was issued. The error was attributed to inebriation

-Mats and I consumed our weight in beer and generated an estimated 3,670 inside jokes

-Tyler killed approximately seven hobos, drifters and gentlemen of the evening with his bear hands

-An Ohio man participated in the first successful human-to-bear transmutation operation. He later reverted to his human form, but not before going on a murderous rampage that targeted nomadic wanderers and claimed at least seven lives (Thought that was a typo up above, didn’t you?)

-Megan and I burst onto the choreography scene with her Ridin’ Dirty routine. We enjoyed a brief stint on Broadway in “Pimpin’ Is Easy,” but the pressures of fame were too much. Megan later overdosed on feline allergy medication and was found dancing for drinking disks in front of a liquor store

Wow, a lot can happen in fifteen months. You probably don’t even remember all that stuff, but that’s what I’m here for. If you enjoyed this blog, it’s your patriotic duty to inspire me to write an entry more often through physical coercion, pecks on the cheek from fetching young lasses or a donation of novelty drinking disks, circa 2006. Those things will sell for a lot of money on eBay, especially when coupled with one of those Jaymz-drawing books.