Back from the Brink

Posted on July 20th, 2007 by Jaymz

So…it’s been awhile. Quite a long time, actually. Over a year. Just how long has it been since my last blog entry? I’m glad you asked. To put how much time has elapsed in perspective, here are a few things that have happened since I filled my last prescription as Dr. Funny, M.D.:

-I believe almost everyone in my group of friends has moved at least once (and some are preparing to move again)

-I applied for and was rejected in my attempt to receive a doctorate from Humor University, home of the Fighting Punch Lines!

-I printed over 2000 business cards in anticipation of my new profession

-the world witnessed the phenomena of Tylergasm and Jimini and their resulting whirlwind press tours

-the world’s first Ball-O-Tron was created by geniuses, geniuses the likes of which you will never know

-redundancy was hailed as 2006’s hippest, coolest, most popular way to write awesomely and in style

-my countenance was featured on the only officially sanctioned shuffle quarters table

-kids across the country started constructing their own shuffle quarters tables out of spare wood and bootleg copies of “How to Draw Jaymz Naked” books sold on eBay (available from Bantam books for just $9.98, by the way)

-due to the popularity of shuffle quarters, dimes and nickels became obsolete as quarters enjoyed a brief but memorable renaissance as “drinking disks”

-Luda coined the phrase, “The quarter is in your quarter,” to a mixed response from the lexicon community

-G-I-M was ephemerally listed by Webster’s Dictionary as an alternate spelling for “Jim” before a revision was issued. The error was attributed to inebriation

-Mats and I consumed our weight in beer and generated an estimated 3,670 inside jokes

-Tyler killed approximately seven hobos, drifters and gentlemen of the evening with his bear hands

-An Ohio man participated in the first successful human-to-bear transmutation operation. He later reverted to his human form, but not before going on a murderous rampage that targeted nomadic wanderers and claimed at least seven lives (Thought that was a typo up above, didn’t you?)

-Megan and I burst onto the choreography scene with her Ridin’ Dirty routine. We enjoyed a brief stint on Broadway in “Pimpin’ Is Easy,” but the pressures of fame were too much. Megan later overdosed on feline allergy medication and was found dancing for drinking disks in front of a liquor store

Wow, a lot can happen in fifteen months. You probably don’t even remember all that stuff, but that’s what I’m here for. If you enjoyed this blog, it’s your patriotic duty to inspire me to write an entry more often through physical coercion, pecks on the cheek from fetching young lasses or a donation of novelty drinking disks, circa 2006. Those things will sell for a lot of money on eBay, especially when coupled with one of those Jaymz-drawing books.

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Life at the button factory

Posted on April 21st, 2006 by Jaymz

Hi, my name is Jim. I got a wife, and three kids. I work, in, a button factory. One day, the boss came up to me and said, “Jim, are you busy?” I said, “No.” He said, “Push this button with your right hand”.

Hi, my name is Jim. I got a wife, and three kids. I work, in, a button factory.One day, the boss came up to me and said, “Jim, are you busy?” I said, “Well, actually, I’m kinda swamped….” He said, “Push this button with your left hand”.

Hi, my name is Jim. I got a wife, and three kids. I work, in, a button factory.One day, the boss came up to me and said, “Jim, are you busy?” I said, “Yeah, I kinda am since you ask.” He said, “Push this button..” and then I just went off. I was like, “Listen, you come down here everyday, bustin my ass about which buttons I have to push and how to push them. The fact is, you’ve lost touch with what it’s like out here on the button factory floor, and while you sit in your ivory tower, making out with Sarah from marketing, I’m actually working, trying to push buttons for the good people of this town!!” That day, he pushed my buttons, and I pushed my final button at the factory…on my way out the door.

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God’s Novelty Pens

Posted on April 8th, 2006 by Jaymz

Alright, just a little note of clarification here for everyone. I would never claim to be God’s gift to women. That would make me sound arrogant and egocentric. I consider myself to be more like those fancy pens that people give as graduation presents. You know, smart, sleek, sexy, chic, classically trained in the art of playing Tecmo Super Bowl…I mean, no one really uses those things usually. They seem like good presents at the time, but all they really do is sit in a drawer and look good. Some day, that one special woman will see that I’m much more than a pen, however. I have a tiny camera, a microphone, I can function as a USB flash drive, I love to listen and I can make you laugh. Hopefully, she will discover that I’m not really a pen at all…I’m the expensive novelty man of her dreams. So there you have it: I am God’s overpriced novelty multifunctional Ericsson brand pen to women.

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Pretty Piñata

Posted on January 25th, 2006 by Jaymz

It was one of those sultry summer evenings you read about in murder mysteries. Nature was behaving like an aggressive older brother, holding the party guests captive in a headlock under its armpit of humid weather. As I sipped on my diet IBC root beer, I saw something so beautiful that my feet tingled and my heart stopped. I later realized that I was spilling my root beer, but the way my heart was feeling was because of her. She arrived, casually late as usual, but there was something different about her that night. When she entered the room, her eyes quickly found mine. Her gaze was one of a woman who knew what she wanted…and was possibly slightly intoxicated. She winked at me while navigating her way through the sea of people, confirming that she had been drinking. I had a crush on this girl for awhile now, and I certainly was glad that I had reapplied my deodorant that evening. She was looking radiant as always….I was only wearing some khaki shorts and a t-shirt. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe the Axe effect was overwhelming her, I honestly don’t know…When she reached the bar, I wanted to tell her right then and there…about the sleepless nights I spent thinking about her, all the times that I almost called…instead, I mustered up, “Hey….what’s going up?”..She giggled a little and replied, “Not much, I’m just looking for a little fun”. What happened next was something that I would have never expected….

-You’ll have to wait for the exciting conclusion because this is getting kinda long.

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What’s in Your (Mail) Bag?

Posted on December 12th, 2005 by Jaymz

It’s time for another edition of “Ask Jaymz”…You didn’t think I would ever do another one of these, did you? Well, I did, so you were wrong. Anyways, today’s question reads as follows:

“Dear Jaymz,

I just finished my first quarter of college life. It was a little overwhelming walking around campus and encountering so many hot babes. You seem like you have a way with the ladies, can you offer any advice on dating?

Your loyal and very real fan,
Steve Wazoucheztetsky
Authenti City, GA”

Now, I want to begin by saying that this is an actual question and it deserves a serious answer. I don’t know why Steve chose to ask me, someone who hasn’t really been in a serious relationship, for advice about the ladies, but he did. I am insulted that anyone would suggest that this question is fake…but, if it were made up, that should stress a need for more people to submit questions in the future. Anyways, it’s time to try and help our friend Steve. As I said earlier, I don’t really know if I’m the person you should be referring to as your “love guru” and “idol” because I’m honestly not much of a ladies man. Having said that, I believe there are a few basic guidelines that every guy should follow in order to have success on the gridiron of love.
Rule #1: Never call the dating scene the “gridiron of love”. It’s not the most flattering comparison and no girl to date has appreciated being referred to as the “cheerleader in the end zone of your heart”, believe me.
Rule #2: When you’re picking a girl up, don’t just sit in your car and blast your horn. Instead, beep politely three times. If she doesn’t come out after that, then lay on the horn. If she then comes out and says that she was still getting ready, ask, “What, does it really take you that long to look like that?” This establishes dominance and shows that you’re not afraid to be honest. It is often confused for “being a jerk”, but there are subtle differences I cannot explain here.
Rule #3: If you ever have to meet her parents, always address them by their first names. If she has several siblings, elbow her father while winking and say, “Guess we both like a special kind of women eh?…the ones who put out! Am I right?” At this point, extend your arm for a high five. This assists in building a rapport and showing that you have a sense of humor.
Rule #4: At dinner, order something small, perhaps just a double cheeseburger or a McChicken sandwich, and only water to drink. Also, be sure that you only pay for what you ordered. There is no stronger aphrodisiac than frugality…it drives women wild. If she questions why you aren’t paying the bill, simply exclaim, “You all wanted equality, well here it is!”
Rule #5: Conclude your romantic evening by moving in for a sloppy, wet kiss, regardless of her reaction. If she refuses, she’s probably stuck up.

There you go, Steve. I hope you can use this free information from your so-called “Doctor of Love”. Follow these simple rules, and you’ll be en-route to Romancetown in no time…or single and alone, forever trapped in a horrible cycle of dates that result in a myriad of trips to the hospital because you are perpetually sprayed in the eyes with mace. Look on the bright side though: perhaps you will develop immunity. If you do not have success with the ladies, well, I suppose that means that they will still be available for me…what a fortuitous yet unfortunate irony…Oh, and Steve, don’t listen to anyone who tries to tell you that I’m actually “sabotaging” you and the other guys just so I can continue my escapades with attractive women…that’s ridiculous.

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Zips are not Kangaroos!

Posted on December 2nd, 2005 by Jaymz

This was originally supposed to just be an away message, but it got too long. It’s ok that it developed into a post, though, because it gave me an excuse to start a post with z. When else is that going to happen? Anyways, I watched the MAC championship game tonight. Akron defeated Northern Illinois on an exciting touchdown with ten seconds left….but that’s not the point. Akron’s team name is the Zips. It used to be the zippers. Their mascot is Zippy the kangaroo and they have t-shirts that say “Fear the Roo”…Now, the kangaroo is an adorable animal, and maybe it could be an acceptable mascot even though they are not indigenous to the city of Akron, the state of Ohio, or even the United States…But are we that desperate for team names that we need to have a team named after an inanimate object that is part of the crotch of a pair of pants? Not only that, but they changed it to something that is either an abbreviation of zippers or they are the “sharp, hissing sounds” according to dictionary.com. What the hell is a zip? It sure isn’t a kangaroo! Stop hiding behind your lack of creativity, University of Akron, and change your school’s mascot. Here are a few possibilities: Tires, Drunken Uncles, Migrant Workers, Wet and Wild Co-Eds. Or, you could try and incorporate a product tie-in with a major company. How much revenue would the Akron Fightin’ Arby’s Onion Petals generate? Perhaps you would prefer the Akron New-and-Improved Stain-Fighting Tide? There are a million possibilities out there. I mean, I just thought of these in like five minutes before I went to bed. If you insist on sticking with the clothes theme, why not the Akron Underoos? Then you might even be able to get away with keeping the kangaroo suit and the t-shirts…I’m interested to see if anyone else has any thoughts on the issue. Hit me with some of your own mascot ideas, people.

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Yo Quiero The Truth

Posted on November 21st, 2005 by Jaymz

Someone needs to say something about the travesty of a menu at Taco Bell. I’ve been a loyal Taco Bell customer for years now. In my younger days, I used to purchase the three soft tacos meal, or buy tacos for 39 cents apiece. They have been boycotted once or twice for their slow service, but I could never stay away for long. As I grew up, my appetite increased, and I started going to Taco Bell with friends who shared my enthusiasm for cheap food. And let’s be clear: That’s their niche market. I don’t go there for the quality of their tacos, but simply for the price. College students are out drinking, it’s late, they go to Taco Bell for good, cheap food. In the year 2005, soft tacos are now 79 cents. I’m not sure that they shouldn’t be paying me to remove whatever is in the tacos from the premises, but that’s another story. Anyways, in high school I noticed the Grande Meal. It’s any combination of ten hard tacos, soft tacos, or bean burritos for $7.90. When you’re hungry and you plan on eating a lot of tacos, it seems like a great deal. I never questioned the motives of Taco Bell because I thought I could trust them. After some quick elementary school math, however, it became painfully obvious that this “Grande Meal” isn’t a deal at all. It’s one of the most diabolical schemes ever designed in the fast food industry. Taco Bell has crossed south of the decency border that I thought we had established with each other. We had a deal: I didn’t complain about the quality or nutritional value of their food, and they continued to offer food at the lowest price to the consumer. Why call something a “meal” if you can order the food separately for the same price? Would anyone request both Simpson sisters to perform if they could have only Jessica? No, of course they wouldn’t. All those times that we had to decide between ordering one Grande Meal or two…Tone almost died because he was forced to conduct “taco races” just to try and eat the leftover food…Ok, so it was his idea and he was just full for awhile. Stop the lies, Taco Bell. Either admit that the Grande Meal isn’t really a deal, or offer it at a lower price. People are going to have a hard time accepting that you can’t offer your tacos for anything less than 79 cents. On Thursday, I will give thanks for my friends and family, but not for the Taco Bell Grande Meal…not anymore.

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My (Sorta) Grown-Up Christmas List

Posted on November 16th, 2005 by Jaymz

I know that some people don’t want to think about it, but Christmas is just over a month away. There are a few Thanksgiving purists around who think it is ridiculous to begin talking about Christmas…but John started it, and my parents have been asking about ideas also. Now, John had the audacity to just list items that he wants without offering any justification. Where’s the accountability? Over the past year, I have been naughty and nice, but the naughty should be said in a suggestive tone of voice. In order to prove that I deserve some presents, I will list off some of the things I have done since last Christmas.

-January 1, 2005: Made New Year’s resolution to stop making sexual innuendos and to be more mature
-January 2, 2005: Added the words “in bed” to New Year’s resolution
-February 7, 2005: My “Beads for Chastity and Decency” campaign has mixed results. The women of New Orleans don’t seem to understand my message, but for some reason I didn’t mind failing.
-March 9, 2005: Visited orphanages with Christina Brown to convince the children that sometimes it’s better to not have parents. Christina begs me to keep her away from Bobby and Whitney but I have to take her home.
-April 11, 2005: Made a $100 bet with Kevin Federline that he could not find five people who think that Britney is lucky to have him because of his musical talent.
-April 12, 2005: Donated $100 to charity.
-May 22, 2005: Forced to decide between working to find a solution to the world’s oil problems and starting a blog.
-May 23, 2005: My first post. Received mysterious check from Halliburton.
-June 7, 2005: Began wearing hilarious t-shirts to the delight of men and women alike. Oddly enough, people say that my shirts are equally enjoyable when on their bedroom floor.
-July 12, 2005: I convince someone not to rent Gigli at the local Blockbuster, telling him that it will just be pure torture.
-July 15, 2005: Received a thank you card from Ben Affleck for helping him through some “rough times”.
-August 23, 2005: Volunteered to teach an adult class on performing CPR, even though I have no official training. Class was soon canceled due to interest of men.
-September 16, 2005: Released yet another shirtless picture in an attempt to make sure this whole internet thing survives the winter.
-October 14, 2005: Researched a way to end internet pornography.
-October 15, 2005: Gave up after Googling the name of my organization, “Whipping Pornography” produced over 400,000 results.
-November 10, 2005: Launched a program called, “Santa’s Cooking Chili on Street Corners” to promote “Flayminanus Chili”. Almost all of the free samples were contaminated with money from strangers. Some kid may have died from nickel poisoning.

So there you have it. Those are just a handful of examples of my behavior this year. I suppose that ultimately you have to decide whether I have been naughty and nice, and then whether that deserves presents or not. I feel old this year because I don’t really want any video games or toys for Christmas. I am in need of some clothes and new shoes, which makes me realize that I’m not a kid anymore. I used to hate getting clothes for Christmas, now I’m asking for them. This is still only a sorta grown-up Christmas list because I’m still wishing for material things and not world peace or for Sylvester Stallone to just fade out of the spotlight. Anyways, here are some of the things my family could purchase for me if they want to reward this most humble blog author for his year.

-More funny t-shirts, namely from Busted Tees because I have some in mind. However, if you find some at another place that you think I would like, those could also work.
-New shoes, possibly at KSwiss.com, where I can customize them. I’m still deciding if putting “Pimp” on the side is vain. Maybe just “Sexpot”. Life’s full of tough choices.
-New jeans. Mom, maybe you should do some research to see what the kids are wearing, ask around at the stores because I don’t really want to be stuck wearing Oshkosh B’Gosh overalls again….Unless they’re coming back in style.
-Some short sleeve dress/polo shirts.
-Any other clothes that you think I would look good in…believe it or not, I can and have looked bad when not dressed properly. I have an old picture where I’m wearing a gray Ernie sweatshirt with black shoes…what the hell was I thinking?
-And, as always….a pony.

That’s about all I have on my list. Hopefully this clears up any confusion over what I did this year and what I want for Christmas….Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving.

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Sexiest Man Or Coward?

Posted on October 25th, 2005 by Jaymz

It’s time for the first online edition of the Jaymz Times.

LOCAL STUDENT STAKES CLAIM TO SEXIEST MAN ALIVE TITLE

-BEAVERCREEK, OH -Wright State University sophomore James Tobe is protesting the results of People Magazine’s supposed “Sexiest Man Alive” competition, saying that he hasn’t been given a fair chance. He said quote, “All of the men on the list are celebrities and have received preferential treatment. They have the unfair advantages of hair and make-up teams, stylists and an entourage. I only ask for a level playing field and an opporutnity to compete. Then we’ll see who can out-sexy who.” According to James, several area women have told him in confidence that he is in fact one of the sexiest men alive, or at least in the top five. James told the Times that he even has a loyal fan club with a stunningly beautiful president and at least one member. James said that “what he lacks in raw physical sexiness he makes up for in grit, moxy, determination, heart, clichés, and a willingness to ambush and sabotage the competition”. Asked if he feared the competition, James said, “I am confident that if the London Gentleman’s rules of sexy etiquette are enforced, I have a decent shot at the title. Apparently the reigning champion is some guy named Jude Law…If my fan base gives me enough support, he’ll only be the second sexiest man alive…and after being reduced to that, he might as well be ugly.”

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Away Message Innovator

Posted on October 8th, 2005 by Jaymz

Well, my latest development in away message technology is starting to gain momentum. I have been an instant messenger for just over a year now, and since I became a college student I have strived to always be creative when I am not near my computer. Anyone can just say where they are or who they are with, but I try to offer insight into my soul…and well, basically, I just want people to laugh. Throughout my time on AIM I have had what I consider to be some classic away messages. Let’s take a stroll down memory lane, shall we? Does anyone remember where they were when they read this?

“Tonight, on “Game Night: The Reunion Show”, Luda, Tone (scheduled to appear), Jaymz and John will play video games as a quartet for the first time in several weeks. They say that cookies and pizza heal all wounds, but how will Tone deal with the news that the love that did not dare to speak its name has been shouted from the rooftops!? Tune in to see what happens when Tone finds out about Jaymz’s love of women, especially his dearest Anne! Also, Luda’s evil twin brother Clyde has infected the town’s water supply, Baxter has feline AIDS, and, oh yeah, John is plotting to kill a woman by tying her to the railroad tracks, while, of course, playing with his handlebar moustache.”

And what about this one that was a hit with the ladies?

“You know how sometimes you wake up in the morning and you’re just really hungry? So you go to the cupboard, eager to pour a bowl of your favorite cereal. My personal breakfast of choice is Honey Bunches of Oats. Anyway, you pick up the box, and you’re like, “Oh no! There’s no way this is enough for a whole bowl. This sucks. The only other box in there is the seven month old box of Sugar Smacks that have probably become one massive Smack.” Of course, you can’t just throw the box away. But then, to your surprise, there is more cereal than you thought, and it fills the bowl perfectly. The milk flows over your bowl of heaven, and it’s like your spoon-feeding yourself pure happiness. So why am I telling you this? Well…I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’re my last bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats, girl….and I can’t wait to wake up with you.”

There have been so many great away messages; it’s difficult to only select a few. I’ve come a long way…I mean, I have a blog now. I sincerely hope that some people out there enjoy reading these glimpses into my personality. Instead of continuing to conduct the voting for the interactive story on AIM, I’m posting this poll on the blog, with the help of John.
Here are your options:

#1.) “Can jaymz go to the candy store?? oh please!!! let him go to the candy store!!! he probably wants to eat some candy canes there too so he can pretend they are little toy guns”
#2.) “Unfortunately he suffered from a terrible curse.”
#3.) “”He was the kind of guy who liked nothing more than sitting around on a Saturday afternoon stroking him massive…cat!”
#4.) “He also had a milkshake that brought all the girls to the bar, and they’re like, its better than yours”
#5.) “…and balls the size of grapefruits. Two huge grapefruits covered in man-hair and that smelled of citrus and power.”

So, please, add a comment to take the poll, keep reading my away messages, vote for your favorite lines, and help me write an amazing story and make an impact on the world of instant messaging.

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